Rowland's Office

"You got to give the fans what they want"

This is, without question, the best YouTube clip ever posted, featuring Gordon Solie and Ivan Putski. You will watch now!

Another worthy candidate

If *Wayland Flowers and Madame are going to throw their hat(s) in the ring, then why not *Gene?

I'd also have no problem with *Arte or Jaye P.

Hanson not available

So says DOB:

Hanson and Heyward, along with 17-year-old pitcher Julio Teheran, are known to be on the Braves’ off-limits list. It’s believed that first baseman Freddie Freeman and center fielders Jordan Schafer and Gorkys Hernandez have close to that same “untouchable” status.

Sounds good to me. Meanwhile, Buster Olney (no link; registration required) offers this perspective on Hanson from a "rival talent evaluator":

"He's dominant. And at every level, he just keeps getting better. Completely dominant. In fact, I'd be shocked if the Braves would ever consider trading him, because he could be a No. 1 type starter."

--CB

Wish List

If Duane doesn't get the job, here are a few people who might make good, or at least amusing, radio play-by-play people for the home team:

Jimmy Piersall

T-Buff*

David Paul, former local AM weirdo

Gordon Solie*

Ralph from Ben Hill, another former local AM weirdo

Deacon Lunchbox*

Singer John Wesley Harding, best between-song banter ever

Stephen Colbert

The voice on the train at Hartsfield-Jackson

Austin Idol

Alan Greenspan

That dude who sits in right field for every game and dresses up like an Indian

The singing beer vendor who apparently no longer works at the Ted

Rupaul

Louis who plays the accordion and hangs out at George's in Virginia-Highlands

Me

CB

Any loyal Office reader

Of course, please submit your suggestions.

* Dead

--CD

The new voice of the Braves

Dear Mr. Wren,

Did you get my letter about becoming the new "Voice of the Braves?" I was reading a book this guy at work give me about the habits of highly offensive, excuse me, effective people, and it says you need to keep bugging somebody when you apply for a job. And seeing's how the plumbing supply business is -- no pun intended -- in the shitter on account of ain't nobody building anything, and Lowe's is probably gonna lay me off, I could really use a gig announcing the Bravos. 

Like I said, I got a bunch of catch phrases, and just colorful sayings, what l'll call "Southernisms" I can bust out on the listeners and viewers. 

Anyhoo, let me know if you got my application. Times are tough for a working man, brother. I'm sure you can relate. If you're ever in Forest Park and want to grab a cold one, look me up.

Sincerely, with mic in hand ready to go to Orlando for spring training,  

Duane From Forest Park (my real name's actually Duane Shumate, but Duane from Forest Park could be my on-air name. You know, I'd be creating a kind of persona, or whatever.)

Wren sets the record straight

(Via our pal The Bagman) 

"Many of the trade speculations that have been written over the past few weeks are inaccurate," Wren said. "For the most part they are simply an outsider speculating what we might do and not what we would do." 

That doesn't mean the Braves aren't interested in Peavy. 

"From our perspective we still feel the same and we are looking to the future when that next wave of talent I spoke of arrives in Atlanta," Wren said in an e-mail to The Associated Press. 

Wren reaffirmed he wouldn't deal the team's top prospects. I assume that includes Tommy Hanson. 

Rays in 6

Southpaw David Price will be the difference, neutralizing the biggest threats (Utley, Howard) in the Phils line-up. And don't underestimate the Phils' week-long layoff (see Detroit, 2006). 

--CB

Premature application

I see my old pal Duane from Forest Park has tossed his hat into the ring -- Duaney, baby, you're a good caller, and that Brenda's a firecracker, but let's leave the announcing to the professionals. That would be me, baby. 

Heeey! 

I already have several signature catch phrases, like "baby," "Double A, M-C-O," "For man's best friend ..." and, of course, "Heeey!"And no one's more experienced than Uncle Bo. I was trading barbs with Skinny Bobby on QXI before Atlanta even knew the name Pete Van Wieren.  

The Braves need a shake-up, and who better than Bobo to stir the pot? I could probably persuade my good friends the 2 Live Stews to join me in the booth. They don't like baseball, but that's the genius of it. That's where you get your fresh insights, from inexperience. We'd be the McCain and Palin of the airwaves, baby. 

The Stews and I could pass the time commiserating about sports that truly matter, like the NFL and NBA. What would fans rather hear? The Stews' searing insights into Kobe Bryant or yet another waltz down memory lane? And by waltz I mean slow and boring. My memories are all technicolor, baby! 

Heeey!

I can name drop with the best of them, from Susan Anton to Pete the Northside Barkeep. And I might even be able to persuade Jerry to drop in, a la Travis Tritt. Jerry's wisdom isn't confined to the gridiron, baby. Plus he could give pep talks to a team that needs motivating -- a team that needs to learn how to innovate. That's Jerry, baby, or as I like to call him, "The Innovator". 

I'm sure the old tractor jockey will do everything possible to prevent me from assuming what's rightfully mine. He's afraid, baby, and he should be. I'd be the voice of the fans, questioning all the stupid moves made by the dottering old man in the Braves dugout. He makes JIm Hanifan look like like Vince Lombardi.

Humor, innovation, pointless distractions, Susan Anton anecdotes -- who else brings that skill set to the mic? Maybe Darrel Chaney. 

For man's best friend, this is Double B, O-C-K! 

Mr. Wren, dude, I need a job

Or at least one with good pay, air conditioning and some kick-ass fringe benefits like travel, nice hotel rooms and free food. What I'm getting at is I think I might like to step in for Pete.

By the way, we'll miss you, Professor. I been listening to you for all of them 33 years. Godspeed in your retirement. You deserve it.

Now, back to my main point. Like I say, I been listening to Pete and Skip and Ernie and all them all my damn life. I know how it's done. I could come up with some of my own sayings, and use my nicknames y'all like so much on this web thingamajig. We ain't got Teshowmethemoney no more, but I could still find a way to use it.

Example: Since we ain't got Teshowmethemoney no more, starting at first is Casey Kotchman-I wish I could get a damn hit. And then there's Freedomy in right. With Kelly Johnson, the possibilities are endless. 

And for some catch phrases, I'd say stuff like: "Welcome to another night of Braves baseball, y'all. Tonight we're gonna pour a can of North Georgia whup ass on the pansy-ass New York Mets!" I hear a lot of people, business types, nowadays saying "absolutely" all the time. So I could start saying that a lot.

Like: "The 2-1 to Chipper. He swings and poleaxes one to deep right hard as my daddy used to wallop me after I'd skip school. That ball is absoluuuuutely a home run!" Or, "Hot damn, boys, another win for Jurrgenson and Hotlanta!" Maybe, "Home run for Prado! Let's all get blotto!" 

Plus, maybe I could pick up on Skip's trick of naming the hometowns when people get a foul ball. I could, I don't know, tell what they're thinking about. "A fella dreading a call from his creditors just snagged that one." Or, "A preacher from Hahira caught that ball, and he's hoping none of his flock is watching 'cause he's here with his gay lover from midtown Atlanta." Or, "There's a lady who's hoping her neighbor don't find out she boned that neighbor's husband last night."  

I don't know. Just some ideas. Anyhow, I could do it. And it'd pay more than my two jobs I got now put together. A loading dock at a plumbing supply house and the floor at Lowe's ain't exactly climbing the American ladder. 

If I got that announcing gig, I think Brenda would like it 'cause, one, I'd be bringing home pretty good jack, and two, I'd be gone a lot. We might could use some time apart, with all this stress and all from our financial difficulties. What's that they say, being in a different place makes you horny? Something like that. 

Anyhoo, if I need a reference, I might use one of y'all if that's OK. Absoluuuuuutely!

Be good, fellas. I gotta go. Brenda's got some kinda online 12-step meeting she's gotta get onto. Later.

--Duane From Forest Park 

Too much

Let me repeat: Tommy Hanson should not be traded. Certainly not as part of a package that would include Jordan Schafer AND KJ (the hot rumor du jour). I want Peavy, but I don't want him pitching for a non-contender. 

I trust Frank Wren won't be so generous. I could live with Yesco, Morton /Medlen and Schafer, or some similar combination, but trading Adam Wainwright a second time isn't going to reverse the team's course. The Braves need as many talented arms as they can get -- trading Hanson just doesn't make sense. 

Speaking of the Peavy deal, would you rather keep Yesco or KJ? I say KJ, though not with great confidence.  

--CB

CD chimes in with a counterpoint: 

That's a lot. On the other hand, you're trading one player -- KJ -- who looks like a sure-fire solid big leaguer, and two maybes for a guy who is a bona fide superstar pitcher. I'd assume that if Wren could, he'd hang onto Hanson and send them Charlie or someone else. The Braves have other pitching prospects and of course Gorkys behind Schaefer. And you can plug Prado in at second. Left field -- who knows?  Plus, Peavy's contract is very reasonable for a guy like that. 

If that's what it takes, I say do it. I wouldn't let Hanson block this deal. The Braves badly need a bold move like this. If Hanson turns out to be a Cy Young winner, so be it. We know Peavy is one already. You just don't see legit aces in their prime traded. We'd be getting more or less the equal of Sabathia for, what, half the money (and the three players)?