Last and certainly least: Dan Kolb

Dan Kolb is haunting me still. I have done this post twice and lost it. This is the third try.

I'm sorry if it's not good enough. The one I just wrote was pretty damned good. It went something like this:

Dan Kolb was adequate for four games. The other 158 were the problem.

It seems impossible now, but his home debut was a smash. April 8, 2005, the hated Mets in town. Anomalies abounded: Thomson had worked seven crisp innings, the Ted was packed and loud. Roman Colon got the lead to the paunchy, balding fellow we'd imported from Milwaukee. No problem. One, two, three with two strikeouts. The night's last pitch buzzed the corner as Cliff Floyd stared.

Braves were 3-1 and our new closer was 3-for-3, even if the first couple had been a tad shaky.

Ah, adequacy is fleeting. Kolb over the last 98 percent of the season would record just two more three-up-and-three-down saves. Indeed, four days after his triumphant night on Hank Aaron Drive, the fidgety righty would barf up a 3-1 lead to the future Stan Kastens. He came on to screw the lid on a masterful 8 innings by Hudson. Leadoff hitter: Walk. Kolb paws the mound, worries with his glove, removes his cap and rubs his brow, stalks around the grass. Single. More pawing and fidgeting. Another walk, then a sac fly, then a double. Then loud boos.

A routine was born. The Round Mound of Meltdown would end April with a 7.20 ERA. Worse, he earns the Office's proclamation as hereby the worst player ever brought in to fill an important role on a contending Atlanta Braves team. Needless to say, he is captain of the Worst 10 of the Past 10.

Of course we knew we weren't getting Mariano Rivera when Kolb came over. Still, he'd been good in Beer Town the prior two seasons: 60 saves and ERAs of 1.96 and 2.98. That all ended when he went South. In 2005, compared to '04, Kolb allowed twice as many earned runs, 38, in just a third of an inning more. He surrendered 28 more hits and made 1.9 million more dollars. Symetrically enough, opponents got an average 1.9 baserunners an inning against the harried reliever.

Want more? Kolb allowed more hits in 2005, 78, than Smoltzie did in three full seasons as closer. Remember how most people thought Gene Garber sucked? Well, in his worst Braves season, Geno's ERA was more than a run better than Kolb's in 05, and he only allowed 1.6 runners a frame. For a more contemporary comparison, in 2005, 455 major league pitchers had lower ERAs than Kolb's 5.93. Some of them are real bad: Byung-Hyun Kim, Ryan Drese, Josh Fogg, Wes Obermueller, Ricky Botallico, Esteban Yan, Jim Brower, Doug Brocail, Ismael Valdes, Brian Lawrence.

As bad as Kolb's April was, it did not become undeniably clear that he was an utter failure until May 11 at Coors Field. The Bravos had scored 3 in the top of the 9th to take a one-run lead. A homer, three singles and an intentional walk later, that lead and that game were dust. The win moved the not very fearsome Rockies to 9-22.

None of us could ever again feel comfortable with Kolb on the mound. He certainly never looked comfortable. His demeanor was the worst I've ever seen from a big league pitcher, especially a closer. A kid who gets caught jerking off by his mom looks more relaxed than Kolb did. The pudgy righty looked so harried that CB dubbed him McVicker (classic clip here), after the "Beavis and Butthead" principal who vibrated with anxiety and rage.

I suppose comparing him to the RMoM is an insult to cartoon principals everywhere.

We're sorry. Kick me in the jimmies!

Kolb would record his final save as a Brave on May 23. Long since reduced to mopup duty and keeping Bobby Dews awake in the bullpen, Kolb did his last work as a Brave back where the '05 season began, in that desolate (for baseball anyway) stadium where they just played the Super Bowl. 

Appropriately, he squandered one last lead before bidding adieu. The last hit he gave up as a Brave was to the 40-year-old Lenny Harris. The outing was the last Kolb classic: walk, single, single, line out to left field. Marlins won 6-4.

Kolb moved on and so did the Braves. Shockingly, the Pirates just signed him to a minor league contract. Why? Maybe the Bravos can get some cuts at him when the teams first meet on May 11 in Pittsburgh. It'd be a fitting way to mark the two-year anniversary of the day it became clear that the RMoM was to be a miserable lump of protoplasm. He even refused to seek advice from the best closer in team history.

Kolb took it out on defenseless water coolers all over the National League. I hope they made him pay for those.

So long, Danny boy.

--CD

Comments

[JGraham]

By the way, I love the Round Mound of Meltdown moniker. I thought of another one last night - Cy Dung.

[JGraham]

Congratulations to Danny Boy for setting the bar high when it comes to incompetence.

I'm surprised Rico Brogna didn't crack the Top Ten. He was so bad in 2001 that we pulled in a crackhead off the streets to take his place, and he was coaching football before the season ended.

[wuky]

That entire '05 season was a scare. Can't believe we then basically went thru an entire second season with a hapless pen and closer. Reitsma was almost as scary as Kolb.

What luck.

[PepeFreeUs]

Okay, I feel better, now.

That guy who negotiated for the owners before the '94 strike always reminded me of Principal McVicker (or "McDicker", as Butthead called him.)

Thanks for at least squeezing a few laughs out of all that torture.